strategist, catalyst, philosopher

(WARNING: There’s a whole lot of StrengthsFinder lingo in this post; if you’re finding yourself a bit confused, you probably should go check it out!)

I think I’ve always been on a search, a hunt — I’ve been looking for what it is that I am “supposed” to do, who I am “supposed” to be.

Being the borderline arrogant personality that I am (I don’t mean to be! It’s my Self-Assurance!), I’ve always thought that I had things — things including myself — pretty well figured out. Well, I’m gradually coming to terms with the fact that that I don’t really know much of anything… but I’m OK in the knowledge of that, at least.

Here in California I have learned more about myself than I ever even dreamed possible. Seriously. I attribute a great deal of that insight to the StrengthsFinder, but as with most things, you get out of it what you put into it. And, honestly, I have thought about it a LOT (some may call it obsession, but, whatever ;-)). Despite everything I’ve learned, though, I’m still not sure how to answer that first question: “What am I supposed to do? Who am I supposed to be?” (because for me they’re very much the same question).

Because of my Competition theme (this is more StrengthsFinder talk, if you’re not familiar), I want to be The Expert in something so badly, I can almost taste it. And truthfully, I want to be the absolute best there is in the entire world. I think that makes things a bit tougher. Because how do you figure out what you’re better at than anyone else out of roughly six billion other folks? You got me!

But I’m trying to walk down this path; I stumble a lot, trip over my thoughts, and occasionally take wrong turns, but hopefully, If one were to look from a satellite view or something, they’d see that I’m at least heading in the right general direction, generally speaking.

It also doesn’t help that I’m reading this book, trying to get my head around what it means to be a writer, an author, and he reinforces the fact that in order for people to care about what you say, you have to become an expert in that field.

So I’m laying in bed this morning and these thoughts wake me from my slumber; what am I good at? I mean, really good at? I came up with a few things that I hope, again, are at least on the road to what I can become.

I think I’m really good at being a strategist. I can look at the variables of almost any given situation and weigh them almost instantly to determine the best possible outcome. I am good at making clarity out of chaos. I am also good at “connecting dots,” at synthesizing information (which I suppose also relates to strategy). I am also very good at being a catalyst, a firestarter, if you will. After the smoke clears, I often seem to be the one left holding the lighter, and to be honest, I kind of relish that responsibility. I love to start things, to influence people, change minds, elucidate concepts. Which brings me to my last realization: I am a philosopher, but not in the sense that we typically think of philosophy these days. I heard once that the study of Philosophy should have never become a collegiate major, or area of study unto itself, and I agree; for me the concept of true philosophy is actually about that notion of synthesis, connection. Philosophy is about learning how to connect everything else; as an end to itself it quickly becomes fairly narcissistic, nihilistic drivel. But real philosophy, as I see it, is about connectedness. And that, I am good at.

So, what to do, what to do…

Anyone else notice that epiphanies usually just lead to more questions?